The Woes of Dentistry
by lapsus calami
Summary: An interesting account covering the dental history of one Captain Jack Aubrey on the far side of the world.


Summary: An interesting account covering the dental history of one Captain Jack Aubrey on the far side of the world.

Note: It's interesting what one comes up with after one has finished throwing up. ;D Sorry it took so long in coming, you lot – I have a feeling that a good many more ideas are on their way. For real, this time – or so I hope. The original idea came about when I had a swollen lip from when I banged my face into a car door window. Huzzay for inspiration. PG-13 for the **f-word**. Dundundun. Also… It sort of shifts into the inane towards the end. Sorry. I also can't say much for the historical accuracy. headdesk BUT IT'S A START. I'M WRITING AGAIN, AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS.

* * *

Stephen stumbled, half-asleep, into the great cabin – or, at least, the portion that Jack inhabited – and rubbed at his eye with a yawn. 'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,' he murmured. 'What on earth are you on about?'

Jack Aubrey tumbled unceremoniously from his hammock and yawned as well, but quickly clapped a hand to his jaw with a cry.

A few moments later, Maturin peered into the darkness of the captain's mouth and tutted disapprovingly. 'Did not your Queen tell you of the dangers of dental care – the lack thereof?' he scolded, thoroughly awake after seven cups of boiled coffee.

Jack scowled and winced at the movement. 'Yes, Queenie DID. Stop prating about my irresponsibility and tell me what I am to do about it.'

The doctor raised an eyebrow. 'That is perfectly clear, _Aubrey_. We're going to have to pull it out.' Quite comfortable with the fact that Higgins was more than capable of handling this sort of situation, Stephen poured his eighth cup. 'I suppose we may as well take out those others that are not so very much better off, while we venture within that dank cavern. A good three or four, altogether.'

There was a dull thump as Jack fell, only just missing the floor and instead hitting his head on the table. Stephen disregarded his first impulse to gather the poor fool in his arms and gently slap him awake, and rather observed him with something like amusement.

Even open wounds, surgery – vivisection, forsooth – have not brought about THIS effect, thought Stephen with a smirk. Ever cool and collected, Maturin took a sip of coffee and blanched. 'Mister Higgins,' Stephen cried as he peered out of the great cabin and into the dark labyrinth of wooden, damp corridors. 'Be so kind as to wash your hands. There's some work to be done, I fear.'

* * *

'The Cap is having a terrible awful time of it, this morn.'

Bonden glanced over at Doudle, who was at the mizzen halliards. 'Whazzat, Doudle?' he said suspiciously, eyeing him with a glare that resembled that of a mother hearing gossip of her child.

Faster Doudle smiled sympathetically. 'He was moaning something AWFUL, earlier. Killick had to bring in all sorts of rubbish just to quieten him.'

Barrett decided to ignore him, and set his attentions on the helm. It was difficult, 'though – his devotion to his captain almost reached fanaticism, and something was clearly amiss with Jack Aubrey.

* * *

Finally, he regained consciousness. Much to Higgins's dismay.

'Whah awh ooh dooehn? Ih demahn to knowh!'

Higgins smiled assuredly. 'Quite all right, sir – we'll have those bugger teeth of yours out in no time at all – sure as there's carts to horses.' He laughed weakly to himself. Jack stared, eyes wide, and mouth held open by some fiendish accomplice. The laughter sounded maniacal – evil – plotting.

'Geh aweh frohm me!' Jack screamed – or at least as well as he was able. 'You awh NOT puhehn youh hans in my mouhf!'

'Hush, now, Jack,' said another voice, quite soothing and familiar. 'It shall all be over shortly. No need to fuss, really – a man of your stature, of actions. The blood and pain you have suffered – this is quite nothing next to all THAT.' The brute held fast on his jaw, tightening his grip slightly.

'Stephun! Ih'ull NOT HAFF IT! BOHNDUHN! AHKWAHDS! THEIZE THETH MEWANEERS! FUHK IT AHLL! MEWANY, I TELL YOU!'

'Here,' said Stephen, 'you take over, Mister Bonden…'

A new pair of hands clasped over Jack's head and jaw. Barrett smiled apologetically. 'I am ewer so, so sorry, sir. But the medical gents say it's for your best, and they're the medical gents, so… Which I am wery, WERY SORRY, sir.'

'YOU, TOOH, BOHNDUHN? IT'S A CUNPIRUSY, IH TELL YOU! IT'S A FREHNCH PLOT!' Jack shifted his eyes nervously, looking from Bonden, who was near to tears, to Stephen, who had a vile, entertained expression on his face, to Higgins, who was looking very nervous. 'WELL? AWH YOU GOEHN TO GEHT IT OVEH WITH?'

'Actually,' said Stephen calmly, 'I believe Mister Higgins has already finished. I don't think you quite noticed – the wonders of the sedatives in this day and age are amazing… Mister Bonden, be so kind as to apply some gauze in the captain's mouth, if you please…' Higgins and Bonden blinked owlishly in unison, a touch of bewilderment on their features.

There was a second_thunk_ that morning, and Stephen could not help but grin impishly. 'All right,' he said. 'NOW you may begin, Mister Higgins.'

* * *

Note: AH I STOLE THE CART TO HORSES THING. SORRY.


End file.
